antecoitus

A question hit me hard on the forehead and I itch to retort with this.

What do I look forward to in my life?

My
problem is that I lack explicit introspection. Explicit introspection
is a conscious and regular (bordering habitual) effort to examine one’s
life at each point and stage. This is like an annual event to
me, okay, sometimes it comes twice a year. And I suck at it so much
that my private session with myself can be mistaken for lunacy. Once a
year I just start crying for no apparent reason and for all the reasons
that I have failed to contemplate on. In college, the Sunken Garden and
the sunsets bore witness to this partly entertaining ritual of crying
until I nearly shit myself. So in honor of the eccentricities that life
obliges us to have, I write this piece with much consideration and a quiet smile on my lips. Yes I have to schedule it, that’s how insensitive I can
be to my own feelings that I can be a man saying no to sex in exchange
for the football season.

I do suffer from an overdose of uppers =)) so this review cannot be stained with tears.

The
challenge: I am so everlastingly happy about things and about myself.
Impatient -yes, ambitious -yes, reckless -check, restless -of course,
extroverted -definitely, prudent nuh-uh, blunt -unfortunately, high
strung -rarely. I forgive as easily as I say yes to ice cream and I also
forget in the same manner. I lie sometimes but mostly I am so honest
that I get into trouble. I can coat a rude remark with diplomacy and sarcasm at the same time, but my questions are often stinging.

If I was a shrink half of my patients would
have committed suicide infront of me. I would have committed euthanasia
to get them out of their pain.

How can you think about what’s wrong
with your life you see a possibility almost everywhere you turn? I sometimes think that I am
not normal and that my life will be so dully written because I have
never been genuinely melodramatic over details. An HR analyst told me that the big picture is my only picture at times.

Not even a bad
lovelife can stir me from my half dreaming state. Especially if there is no point waking up. My blood probably has
the same mixture as prozac. I can be upset and go on a rollercoaster
blim of tantrums and then forget about what the argument is about two
minutes later. One time, I kinda broke up with my kinda boyfriend and
during the kinda breakup scene I was guilty of thinking about the things I can learn and the places I can go to after the possible breakup even before we said goodbye.

There are times when even if I have honestly forgiven and forgotten… some people still think that I shouldn’t, and they get touchy about things that were never really meant to be associated to them. Even if they secretly wish it to be. I  still get disoriented to the why’s and the how’s of some things of the past at times and still ask the same stupid questions to myself. Mostly, its either because, I never got an honest answer to them or people are just too scared to face their own ghosts, they never really faced the person they wronged.

When it
comes to melancholy I have the attention span of a two year old. I
bitch in the shallowest manner and grudges are unknown to me. One
grudge took me two long years but most of my friends can see through
that it was mostly just a lameass excuse to escape a scary
confrontation that will only end up with me making up with the person who I
was supposed to curse to kingdom come,  terrified that I may look like I
do not hold principles dearly. But I do. I just find some emotions
useless and boring. (when in truth, I’ve never really stopped loving that friend, because she will always be a big part of me)

Maybe I just prefer laughing at things after obssessing over them for a limited period of time, which I do set myself. Maybe I just prefer raising my middle finger with a bit of a stuck up smirk on my face more than a red face, a hoarse voice and a totally unglamorous bitch fit.

This is all because I feel like I can die
any minute. That, one moment can change so many things and that time
must be taken advantage of . I am excessively frugal with tears and
time spent wondering about what will happen next. Because no one ever
really knows… so I look at the future, look back at the past and
realize that there is nothing sweeter than the Now. 

I don’t
pretend to be deep by using misery. So when I ask myself what I look
forward to, I say nothing and everything at the same time.

I
look forward to a life in Africa or South America or Fiji as much as I
look forward to dreaming about it every night. I look forward to how amusing my little mixed boy will be and how many smartass kids I’ll have - and how many trips we will make to the forest looking for Goldilocks and the three bears - and I will be half believing with them.  I
look forward to my wedding without makeup and without shoes and my
marriage with the only man I loved like this. I look forwad to the
possibility of working in the peace corps as a single woman who owns
ten dogs and walks them on the beach everyday. I look forward to a good
life for everyone I love and have loved. I look forward to a life of a successful entrepreneur mom with a dark room of her own, a column on the local paper and husband and kids to devote herself to.I look forward to each party
over the weekend and the possibility of getting drunk with laughter and
choking with a ridiculous smirk on my face - or just simply vegging on the couch with pizzas on Saturday nights.

I enjoy each dream as if I already have them, and wish I can live seven lives until I am ready to die. Or at least I dream that I can inspire at least two lives in this lifetime to be worthy enough to die in peace.

I look forward to
turning each bruised moment in my life into a scar covered with a new beautiful
tattoo. I look forward to each painful encounter and to each step of
moving on.

I look forward, but most of the times I just look around.

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 4th, 2007 at 10:27 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.