antecoitus

G and I watched The Holiday (Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jude Law, Jack Black) on Saturday night, to keep me from losing my wits from staying at home too long. It was one of the very few chick flicks I honestly liked, it wasn’t at all a cutesy-adolescent-like love story nor was it a cheap strong-woman-pro-emancipation hardsell.

G said, It celebrated life.

You’ll have a lot of moments when you think you’re going to cry but you’re really not. You’ll have a lot of those split seconds of minute aches in your chest, but pleasant ones. The ones that you feel when you’ve just realized you’ve fallen in love or when you’re about to burst into tears of joy. Anyway, there was this one scene where Jack Black who plays a film musical composer tells Kate Winslet how The Mission’s (1986 – Robert De Niro, Jeremy Irons were 18th century Spanish jesuits) musical score changed his life. Since soundtracks never truly appealed to me, I haven’t really paid attention to it. When we came home, G told me that he had the sound track of The Mission so we decided to listen to it. It was only then that he realized that the music reminded him of his first real love (no, he didn’t meet him on a religious mission, they played the OST during study time in his flat in college) – that someone whom he truly brazenly loved – the same person who broke his heart. So that night, i left poor him nostalgic.

On Sunday we went to our second most favourite sushi place. In between pieces of mermaid roll (tempura,avocado, crab cream, cucumber – gutom na ko) and tamago sushi, he told me how reflective of the past he got the night before. Consequently, he hid the cd, among all the other memories and buried it in that organized mess he calls a closet. He asked me just when the tonkatsu came – ‘How will I describe heartbreak?’, so I told him this:

"Okay, I think heartbreak is that breaking point when you seem to lose all hope of never being truly alone, it can last a moment, it can last years… but it always feels like a lifetime. I think it’s the worst feeling you can ever experience, next to the death of a loved one. Honestly, I would rather drown in a big human sized bowl of crap than undergo heartbreak again, but it’s inevitable. Like peeing is. Its like somebody you loved so much, to whom you gave what you thought was your best — took you by the back of the neck like a helpless house cat, scraped your skin with a fast food plastic bread knife, left you in front of a beach for hours without skin so that saltwater and the wind can blow on your exposed muscle tissues, then, he comes back with lemon and squeezes the damned fruit’s juice all over your bloody body as a bonus. All of that, while he looks directly into your eyes to further damage what could have been left whole still. That’s how real heartbreak feels like. At that moment when you realize he has lied to you or disappointed or hurt you either on purpose or through plain idiocy, you feel an invisible hand punch you in the chest. No, no, wait, it actually feels more like a giant steam roller dancing jive on your chest until your lungs feel like they shrunk into inch sized cubes. You cry and let it all out, it doesn’t hurt that he’s with someone else, for all you know that someone else is someone you cannot respect anyway – so no use dwelling on that, right? What hurts is that the person you knew to be somebody else was not really how your drew him in your head to be in the end… or a better explanation is… that he was truthfully your hero before but then he decided to be a jerk-off because of some kind of stimulus — you don’t know what and you don’t think you’ll ever be able to understand. So you try to call back all the memories you can muster and lose sleep over them, asking yourself over and over what happened. But generally, its not you. Maybe its his fate, or their karma. All you know is that to you, it feels like somebody died. More tragically, it’s like somebody died… ON you. And you’re sitting there with his limp body on top of you preventing you to stand up, walk out and move on.

No matter how much you look at him again it will be impossible to see the same person, the spirit will never be there for a second time even just for friendship. When it’s over, the best parts usually never come back and a superficial layer you would like to call friendship will be the only thing left. And you would want it to stay JUST as it is, because you know that going back is the wrong choice, something will always hold you back. It maybe memories of him and the woman he diddled with together in bed (or other highly imaginative things you can create in your head), those many times he lied to you or those times when he plain didn’t deliver. I think, heartbroken as you are you shouldn’t worry. A hand is played and more likely after the pain, all the luck is yours. If you can be friends with him again, I will be the first to shake your hand. It’s no easy feat.

After all that, you will look back and say that it was ALL SUCH … an overkill of drama. Don’t worry. You will forget most of it. Not the pain… because we’re built to remember it, so that we can reuse the pain and protect ourselves at least subliminally. The who and the how though will blur and you will realize that the experience of a broken heart is over rated and yet rewarding, especially if you went out of it with your head held high.

All that hurting and grief will pale beside a new love. The joy of a new love, I would not even attempt to describe because it’s unspeakable. That, you’d have to experience on your own because no matter how many books you read or how many love theories you bury your nose into, it’s nothing like the real thing. All the great movie lines you’ve heard, even if you sum them all up they wouldn’t amount to it. The only trick is you’d have to undergo all those nasty details of heartbreak before you are able to move onto the higher level, the new place. Believe me, it’s worth it. And if the stars conspire, you might not even have to go through any kind of heartbreak again.

You will remember the heartbreak long after and realize, taking the higher road, never fails."

This entry was posted on Friday, January 12th, 2007 at 7:32 am and is filed under lithium loads and orgasmic wounds (on relationships). You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.