epilogue-ing
Then, I guess it scared me that when you let someone into your life, when you have made known to him all the possibilities of beauty and ugliness you can muster, and have shared with him all that you protect — at that point when you are swallowed by a dangerous mix of security and self claimed importance, when you have finally convinced yourself how indispensable you are to him– he decides that actually, you are. And hurting you is not such a big deal.
Yeah, but I have the attention span of a three year old.
Show me a nicer theme park and you’ll get a free demo of the spell - out of sight, out of mind.
My restlessness does not extend to forgetfulness, however, as this to me is a grave sin. Forgetfulness will force everyone else in your life to unconsciously scuttle away from you and reciprocate. Some people use this as a justification to move on or as a defense for a mistake or a non-action. It’s like cowardice excused on the basis of a neurosis. Besides, the courts always forgive mentally unfit criminals.
I keep all that I remember stocked and locked at heart. No matter what happens, that someone was still a part of your life, and by simply being so, he deserves a kind of a memory pedestal. No matter how small.
In the end everyone in your life is entitled to one crucial mistake against you, unfathomable the reasons may be. You have no right to remain unforgiving, because it’s destruction to both yourself and your future. It’s a chance you will pass up to take the higher road and gain the respect you had for yourself which you almost lost.
I believe that the goal of time is perfection, all that did not make sense before will eventually fit into their own little magic boxes. Eternity then is nothing but a finished canvas, and thus frustration on all that seem to be inapt in the present is a waste.
Believe me, soon enough you will throw away all the mush and the memories won’t hurt anymore; in fact, they will instead make you laugh. You will realize that, after only some years the face is a blur and that you were right not to hold anyone to his promise without being kind enough to give him allowances.
I thought love will never give me a chance to create again, but it did. I could not be more glad that a couple of years ago fate slapped me in the face.
July 13th, 2006 at 7:34 pm
“In the end everyone in your life is entitled to one crucial mistake against you, unfathomable the reasons may be. You have no right to remain unforgiving, because it’s destruction to both yourself and your future. It’s a chance you will pass up to take the higher road and gain the respect you had for yourself which you almost lost.”
*hugs*…you are so right about this…i’m going through the same thing with my boyfriend. it’s surprising to see how wrong i am sometimes about thinking of being in control over everything and that when someone comes in and and tears down the walls i built so carefully, it’s like being punched in the gut to realize he has that power to hurt me where and when i least expected it. for me, being in control equated to not forgiving since i didn’t want to give him that chance to hurt me again since i felt i lost my self respect knowing that he lied to me and i believed his lies. but then i realized this relationship isn’t just about me or my needs. he said he was sorry and somehow i hold on to that and say to myself that i can’t let lies destroy my chance for happiness.
July 14th, 2006 at 12:13 am
ching, there was a time in all that when i told my self i will not do anything else but watch and follow my instincts. somehow following my gut worked. good luck mare. big hug. love love, judy
July 22nd, 2006 at 3:36 pm
oh and I wasn’t talking about my current boyfriend with whom I have been with for two years now. =) I was talking about someone else.