antecoitus

I guess for all my rose colored bullshit, I never really believed in one true love nor soul mates. Call me sad and over practical. Call me jaded. Call me the daughter of a stale, less intuitive philosophy. =) I believe that a person grows on his own (and with family and peers) and transforms everyday. In each stage of her* transformation, a person becomes ready for the next person in her life. All the coincidences that lead to a meeting, a glance and a good conversation suddenly then fit her life and person into a puzzle that suddenly make sense. You are a different person in each stage, with each woman or man you are with. Moreover, to compare the intensity of love across relationships is foolishness if not masochism.

Every person that comes into our lives offers us a gift that no other person is capable of at that juncture.

Thus, two people meet, fall in love and work on a relationship.

The only magical factor in all these is the precision at which a person’s circumstances fit to the other.

As I say frequently, you are never prepared for anything. Something smacks you right between your eyes and you just know you have to be ready for it. If fate exists though and if she really pushes us to play her hand instead of ours, she only exists in this way. The way you love, choose the person and the time is all up to you. There is no enchantment connected to the equation of two people. While a spark is a spark, what follows, is purely a matter of choice and a matter of courage.

Sadly though, when puzzle bindings morph, you also need to have the intuition and then the resilience to slide out (anyway, you will be forced to). Otherwise, you will keep on holding on to something, until one day, you’ll open your eyes and not even recognize the face. This is the saddest tragedy of all.

In this life we are given a lot of sliding doors. In my life, some of the ones I have chosen to enter have taken my breath away and then for some indecipherable reason were taken away from me. But each time one door hits me in the nose and breaks it while I try to move forward, a bigger door opens. The choice of stepping into the next door makes me understand myself more, each time.

Love is work, unfortunately. The work that we dedicate to each relationship in our lives and through the choices we make to continue or to get out of each, determines our quality as a person.

I will never be able to bring hope to those who dream of becoming Sleeping Beauty. Sleeping princesses usually wait for a hundred of years, I unfortunately was never built to linger. Nonetheless, while I flutter through gardens, I already have an idea (no matter how vague it is) of what my pollen should taste like.

And no one should take that against me.

Going through your old journals on a lazy, boring Sunday afternoon can be quite interesting. Last Friday, I went out of Prague to visit a couple of clients. In total I drove 500 kilometers, on and off. I got lost only once and thus very proud of myself. But the stress of that day was so enormous that I fell straight to sleep after I got massaged. I don’t even remember when I started dozing off.

Anyway, I’m digressing too much from this post. Three years ago, I wrote about how I felt about commuting from my place to work. Its amazing how whiny I can get. =)

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2003-09-16

EDSA makes every morning a cheap action flick where the lead part goes to everyone and everything but traffic rules. At dahil bida ang lahat, lahat magaling. paking ass.

Having transferred to Makati, I am obliged to participate in the monstrous everyday party that is "going through EDSA and making it to work" without having to wish for a re-ironing of my suit. I don’t drive, I brave everyday like its not a damned crazy routine of riding a bus, cursing other people under my breath for getting in line first and moving within the bus without having to walk. Believe me, when you’re praying for that extra five minutes to appear on the clock and somebody gives you the littlest nudge to inch before you - you can be the ultimate fighting machine, you may even be ready to ready to kill for the next square inch of elbow room.

See the list below for the most superficial eccentricities which give me migraine sessions everyday:

1. Sa Pilipinas lang pwedeng mangbalya ng kungwari walang nangyari pag nakitang tiningnan mo siya ng masama. Deadma lang. Parang uy "tangina o sino ba tumulak dun sa buntis?" Ulul. O kaya titingnan ka pa na parang sasabihing "hindi ako yun ah, hindi ako" . Kesehodang may bakat ka ng fingerprints niya sa mukha.

Dito lang may mga tao na akala mo kanila yung tren, mahina ang pandinig dahil kahit may buzzer na Bernardo Carpio pa rin at paghihiwalayin ang mga pinto. Sa lrt lang natin maraming naka-mikropono sa istasyon - pag padating na ang tren sabay sabay yan — yung driver ng tren, yung naka-mike sa booth — huwag lang ho tumapak sa pulang linya.. o padating na ho yung tren padating na! (no syet? hindi nga? padating na? yan ba yung malaking mukhang kahon ng posporo sa harap ko?) pakiingatan na lang ho yang mga gamit nyo… at yung magnetic card ho gagamitin nyo yan sa pagbaba! dahan dahan lang po.. (bobo ba tayo o bobo lang talaga?).

2. Sa Pilipinas lang pwedeng magbaba at magsakay kahit saan. Yes kahit saan. Unless may parak. Takot ang mga drayber sa parak, hindi dahil may mali silang ginawa at nakakahiya, pero dahil manghihingi ng talent fee ang mga lolo mo. Hindi ko nga maintindihan kung bakit hindi pedestrians ang hulihin ng mga tinamaan ng lintik na MMDA na yan. Supply creates its own demand. Kung may pasaherong tatalon talon at kakawag kawag sa harap mo hindi nga ba magkukumahug kang isakay yun kahit na mag-traffic jam sa likod mo. May isla islang taong nakakalat sa EDSA kaya isla isla rin ang bus, at milya milya ang traffic.

3. Sa Pilipinas may mga pulis na double purpose dahil mga poste din sila na nagsasabing no loading or unloading . Pwede kang magbaba at magsakay pagkatapos na pagkatapos mo malampasan ang pulis. Katulad ninyo nagtataka rin ako kung bakit kailangang hindi pababain at pasakayin ang mga tao sa lugar na kinasanayan na, bakit di na lang ayusin at gawin permanente ang mga ito. Okay lang kung dahil nagbago ang city plan at long term na ang pagbabagong ito. Ibig sabihin bawal na dito hanggang magka-apo ka. But noooo! Bawal lang siya today. Siguro dahil yung spot na yun nakaka-cause ng bottleneck sa traffic… so siguro mga five meters from that same spot pwede na…… di na magtatraffic??? Hwekhwekhwek. Di ba nililipat nyo lang yung bottleneck?

4. Sa Pilipinas lang may male urinal na pink. Ang kinaganda lang nito at least hindi na sabog sabog ang panghe sa EDSA. Concentrated na lang dahil as usual walang available na tubig.

5. Sa Pilipinas lang pwedeng magbago ang travel time mo by 2 hours kung sasakay ka ng ilalim o ibabaw. At kung lahat ng sinakyan mo e ibabaw, pahingang pahinga ka na at nakadalawang gabing worth ng tulog pagdating mo sa bahay.

6. Sa Pilipinas lang malaking enterprise and pagbaba-barker. Sisigaw ka lang ng kaunti malaki pa kita mo sa drayber nung FX.

7. Sa Pilipinas lang pwedeng mag-patawa ang mga konduktor na para bang ang saya saya nila pag maraming tao sa bus at matagal tagal magkakasama, para bang retreat o recollection, dahil kahit nakadikit ka na sa katawan ng kung sino sino magpapapasok pa sila, the more the many-ier.
Maluwag maluwag maluwag parang bagong panganak!
Maluwag yan araw araw ginagamit yan!
‘Lalim ‘Lalim (at pagambang sasakay ka na- "Mama ilalim to?" deadmang sasabihing–) ‘Lalim ‘Lalim ng tubig! (sarap
(sapakin)
Maraming upuan sige sa likod. May nakaupo nga lang.
Ser usog usog ka naman, malayo ka pa naman e, tatlong ikot ka pa.

8. Sa Pilipinas lang pwede kang magpapalit palit ng lanes na para bang express way lahat ng kalsada.

9. Sa Pilipinas mo lang maitataga sa bato na - pag umulan siguradong parang may rally sa dami ng tao. May mga lugar kasing baha kaya na trap ang lahat ng sasakyan dun habang natitipon ang lahat ng katauhan sa isang lugar.

10. Sa Pilipinas lang ganito kasaya at kaadventurous ang mga commuters, drivers, traffic enforcers dahil ang sistema FREE for ALL. Kahit saan sumakay, kahit anong oras, kahit ilang tao, kahit saan ka bumaba, kahit saan umikot ang bus… OKAY LANG. Kaya nga dahil masaya, magulo at makalat din. Ayos no? Parang party. =)

I was trying to look for an entry in one of my older blogs and found one entry I wrote in frustration… yehehehe.. enjoy

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Coup - kurukuku
Kung giyera giyera na!!!!

Malamang marami sa inyo ang hindi mag-aagree sa pagdanak ng dugo, at sino naman ba ang gustong mamatay ng walang kaglamour-glamour ng may gripo sa leeg? At marami rin sa inyo ang magsasabing hindi ito ang mapayapa at tamang paraan (kaya nga giyera e, dah)… true… mahirap ding ideny ang mga pa-humane reasons na ito, dahil ako man gusto ko pa ring magpanggap na walang problema at pumasok sa opisina araw-araw at tumanggap ng sweldong pambayad gastos at pampanood ng konting sine kung minsan (ang ibig kong sabihin alam kong may problema, pero kunyari hindi ako involved, deadma, bahala sila, epal silang lahat, at wala nang mangyayari sa Pilipinas kahit magtutumbling ka sa harap ng malacañang para magpiket at magrally).

Sorry pero sa totoo lang, maraming Pinoy ang walang bayag, at malamang isa ako dun. Ang pinaka- pangit na nangyari sa coup d’etat attempt na yan ay yun …attempt lang siya.
Alam kong radikal kung iisipin na para bang may suicidal tendencies ako kaya ko ito nasusulat. At lalong madaling idismiss ng gobyerno kung bakit nagkakaganito ang mga sundalo natin. Ilan sa mga narinig kong proklamasayon ng mga kinikilalang tao (lider at lider-lideran sa bansa) ang ganito:

- They are frontliners, may mga war shock pa ‘yan! (dey ar lost and dey do not know wat dey ar doing)
- Ikulong si Honasan may intelligence report kami. (yes, announce it to the world why don’t you, kung intelligent ang report sana may ebidensiyang mas konkreto… hindi talaga style ng Pinoy maging discreet and effective kahit kalian)
- Alam na naman nila kung paano sa AFP bago sila pumasok( yes, so pakabulok tayong lahat tutal alam naman nating bulok tayo pare-pareho e di sama sama na rin tayo sa impiyerno! Tutal nung nagsundalo ka naman alam mong pwede kang makasama ng mga pachyderm diba? Kapal mo magreklamo!)
- We will find out who is behind all this (Tapos? … kebs na sa kung ano pinaguulol niyang mga sosyal na sundalo na yan na sa lahat naman ng kukutaan e isa pa sa pinakamahal na hotel sa makati, at tabi pa ng mall.. wow strategic, pag nastress sila at gusto nila magshopping to release the tension, walang problema!)
- We will investigate and look into their demands (and store dem in da payling cavinet, por reperens on pyutur attempts)

Ang nakakainis nga, matapos nilang mag-mala-Joyluck Club hugging and crying sa TV e umatras din ang mga mokong. Sabi ng mga young rebel soldiers na itoh – nadisaapoint daw sila na walang sumuportang taong bayan, walang nagpunta dun, grabe na talaga ang pagka indifferent ng mga Pilipino – e shungek pala kayo e, pagkatapos ninyong magplanta ng bomba sa mga kakalyehan gusto nyo may magpakabayani at magpagulong gulong sa makati amidst your pseudo landmines. Kung totoo ang mga paratang nyo at mayroon kayong ebidensiya, tutal marami naman kayo, dapat binigla nyo lang lahat, mag leak kayo sa media ng mga kagilagilalas at walang lusot na ebidensya.. tutal uhaw naman yang mga yan sa ratings at exclusives. Mag seize kayo ng istasyon. Dapat mayroon kayong hard evidence na magsisimula ng walang habas na text brigades ng mga konyo (uhurm.. middle class) ng EDSA II at kalampag brigade ng ibang sektor. Yung walang kawala, unless may pinapanigan din yang mga tv stations dahil lagayan din diyan.

Ewan ko ba.. hindi kaya isang tao lang ang nagpapatakbo ng lahat sa Pilipinas at humahagikgik na siya tuwa… mamatay ka sana ulul.

Pinlano sana nang mabuti. Kung ayaw nyong may masaktan at gusto nyo ng mala EDSA kailangan nyo ng maganda gandang strategy, hindi stage show, hindi melodrama. Tutal lahat naman ng nirereklamo nyo rewind lang ng mga reklamo nung dating mga coup attempts. E ano ba kung handa kang mamatay para sa prinsipyo mo, tingin mo may maalala pa ang mga Pilipino two years from your death? KAMON, YU MUST BE KIDDING!!! History SEEMS to be nothing but another telenovela to the Filipinos. Wala tayong natutunan. At wala nang gustong gumawa. At lahat gusto fumunta sa isteyts.

Wala akong mapanigan, dahil nalilito na ako kung kanino ako maniniwala.

Sana may nangyari. Sa ngayon, sana may mangyari. Sana yung mga ukinamsyet sa gobyerno, magising na konti, sana matanggal na ang kanilang mga sapi ng mga ispiritung ligaw at magbalik loob sa Diyos. Emen?

Ako rin naman hindi ko alam kung ano ang susunod kong dapat gawin. Do my own little-tiny-minute contribution for the Philippines chova (lahat may alam nito pero wala talagang gumagawa)? Leche, magprepretend na lang ako ulit na ang buhay ko ay trabaho-konting inom kasama mga kaibigan pag biyernes o pag may okasyon-pamilya – yun. Tanggapin ko na lang bang lahat ng Pilipino ay autistic, at lahat nung mga buwaka ng inang opisyal ng gobyerno lang ang mulat, kaya sila lang din ang namumunini sa pinaghirapan natin?

Okay na rin siguro mabomba tayo lahat tapos rise anew ang drama natin parang Japan pagkatapos ng Hiroshima bombing. Wekhekhek. Ewan.

Basahin din ito, pero para sa kin.. at least may nagaklas, may nagpaalam, dahil bulok naman talaga sa loob at kawawa talaga ang mga sundalo… kaya lang supot…

Then, I guess it scared me that when you let someone into your life, when you have made known to him all the possibilities of beauty and ugliness you can muster, and have shared with him all that you protect — at that point when you are swallowed by a dangerous mix of security and self claimed importance, when you have finally convinced yourself how indispensable you are to him– he decides that actually, you are. And hurting you is not such a big deal.

Yeah, but I have the attention span of a three year old.  

Show me a nicer theme park and you’ll get a free demo of the spell - out of sight, out of mind.

My restlessness does not extend to forgetfulness, however, as this to me is a grave sin. Forgetfulness will force everyone else in your life to unconsciously scuttle away from you and reciprocate. Some people use this as a justification to move on or as a defense for a mistake or a non-action. It’s like cowardice excused on the basis of a neurosis. Besides, the courts always forgive mentally unfit criminals.

I keep all that I remember stocked and locked at heart. No matter what happens, that someone was still a part of your life, and by simply being so, he deserves a kind of a memory pedestal. No matter how small.

In the end everyone in your life is entitled to one crucial mistake against you, unfathomable the reasons may be. You have no right to remain unforgiving, because it’s destruction to both yourself and your future. It’s a chance you will pass up to take the higher road and gain the respect you had for yourself which you almost lost.

I believe that the goal of time is perfection, all that did not make sense before will eventually fit into their own little magic boxes. Eternity then is nothing but a finished canvas, and thus frustration on all that seem to be inapt in the present is a waste.

Believe me, soon enough you will throw away all the mush and the memories won’t hurt anymore; in fact, they will instead make you laugh. You will realize that, after only some years the face is a blur and that you were right not to hold anyone to his promise without being kind enough to give him allowances.