antecoitus

Two years and a half in one place and I am already planning the next move. It’s called a built-in longing to fly. At Paul Van Dyk’s (that electronic dance scene God) party two nights ago, in the midst of a big breasted woman in a turquoise bra and a short, almost midget like couple making out in front of us, I asked W what he thinks about moving from Prague to somewhere else next year. Somehow undistracted by the brazen boob flinging in front of him, he answered ‘yeah cool’.

Was he serious? Was I? Was it just the vodka and the energy drinks? Or was my trance progressing as stridently as PVD’s music?

We therefore agreed that we would make the decision soon, and will open the topic up in the spring of next year. We agreed to agree. I will compromise.

People say that together we were both sides of the same coin
That we would shine like Venus in a clear night sky
We thought our love could overcome the circumstances
But my ambition wouldn’t allow for compromise

I could see in the distance all the dreams that were clear to me
Every choice that I had to make left you on your own
Somehow the road we started down had split asunder
Too late to realize how far apart we’d grown.

People ask how it feels to live the kind of life others dream about
I tell them everybody gotta face their highs and their lows
And in my life there’s a love that I put aside
‘Cos I was busy loving something else
So for every little thing you hold on to
You’ve got to let something else go

Fool if I would now forsake the opportunities are fate
I know I’m right where I belong
But sometimes when I’m not so strong

I wish I, wish I’d done a little bit more

I have never connected my circumstances with the lyrics of any song. I find it cheesy and desperate (but that’s only my arrogance and foolishness talking, really). Especially that this song has a title that seems to be trying too hard to be catchy. However, I was blessed enough to have a lazy Sunday afternoon drive and this song playing on the radio. I listened to it exhaustively for the first time, as there were not many cars pulling that move–into-my-lane-and-then-blink trick; I did not have to dedicate too many bytes from my head on the road. I figured, hey, if someone wanted to piss me off he/she could play this to me.

Somehow all the running away, the foresight-ing and the obsessive dispassion with the past have led me to believe that all you really need to make it somewhere you want to be is to bend as far as you can without breaking and to know when and towards whom to snap from a thoroughly stretched situation. That I can, like (the rat of the plant world) weed, grow anywhere at anytime with anyone. I am one lucky daughter of fate, who will never call her a bitch in her face.

I am a firm believer that God’s main commandments are: manage your expectations and enjoy the gift of free will. After which loving God above all else and others as yourself, will be sure to follow, because it is quite easy to give when you blame no one for your choices and when you do not frustrate yourself with inexistent goals.

But it is also true that regret taps me on the shoulder every now and then. It gives me a glimpse of what I have missed and why. The only thing that it misses to explain to me is how long I should feel it, and thus I have a fleeting feeling of falling and then I get back in full focus of what’s in front of me. My attitude towards life scares me at times since I know that there are and always will be overlapping ends. Sometimes in the deepest recesses of my torn ego, I know I have unconsciously taken the way out of one goal to continue with the other, the subconsciously more important other. That other goal which I am scared shit to say out loud that I want.

I am lucky enough to be right at most times, or that things work out somehow the way I hope they would. The theories that my flimsy little brain has come up with must be at least some percentage more right than wrong. Why then am I doing this now?

If I were to follow my id, I would have been planning to traipse out of this little snow globe five months ago. Now I submit to a negotiation, to finding the middle ground, and for the first time in my life, I feel really good about compromising. I am not married, yet I am not fully single, not in my sense of the word anymore, at least. 

This entry was posted on Monday, May 29th, 2006 at 5:31 am and is filed under lithium loads and orgasmic wounds (on relationships). You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.