antecoitus

"Growing up like I didn’t give a damn about my ovaries and not wanting to wear a bra for the sheer inconvenience of having something wrapped around your chest all day with your sweat gathered sourly together, has made me seem like one of those people who would miraculously realize that I can use my vagina for something else other than peeing.”

And so goes a sentence from the only article I wrote about virginity that went public on a newspaper. My coming out as a non-prude is a good memory. It kind of validates some crude areas of my personality, the realization of which is humbling, liberating and side splitting. (i.e.  That I am not afraid of get ting criticized, or even laughed at without getting concerned.) So read on, and my apologies in advance.

THIS IS ME AND MY SEEMINGLY DYSFUCTIONAL ESTROGEN COUNT. Although physically, estrogen has affected me, it seems that it has failed to reach some areas of my brain. This is the drivel you are about to hear - it took me quite a long time to come to terms with the little trivialities of being a woman, and if I am being totally honest with myself, I still am. I am 26 now and I still prize the feeling of not putting any gook on my face before I greet my morning sunshine outside.

When I was in high school, I got scolded by peers and elders alike for leaving the house with my hair still dripping (fresh from the shower) and in a ponytail. They said that I should care. Well I do like showering; in fact, I do it twice a day at the minimum. It’s the stuff that, apparently, you should be doing after that annoys me. The whole ritual of lotion, powder (or a bit of makeup) and blow-drying…blows. In that list, I am sure I missed some strategic parts simply because of my lack of in-depth knowledge.

I am not built to look like a vixen, a haphazard try (because of time pressure) by a couple of stylish friends made me look like a neophyte hooker. Some girly stuff simply doesn’t fit me. As some friends have already meanly yet without any intention to hurt said, I look like I am always going to run away. Like I need to go somewhere else all the time or that there is some task list reflected in my eyes that I am keen on finishing. This is partly true. As a kid, I did enjoy responsibilities. I enjoyed putting up parties; I took pleasure in organizing programs, leading productions and working with people. As an adult I see myself getting hyped up about the same things, listing all that is needed to be done in my head while taking a shower is normal for me since a full appointment book to me is like a pair Manolo Blahniks to Sarah Jessica Parker. Maximizing time and multi-tasking is sort of second nature so With all these preoccupations, I forgot to mind my hormones.

Being tagged low maintenance is not as easy or as cool as some people may think, because to some people-slash-cultures, it could be misinterpreted for being sloppy in one extreme and lesbianism in the other. Not that I think it’s not cool to be a lesbian (judging from the amount of lesbian people I adore to bits), it’s just that, I am straight.

BEAUTIFY. Makeup causes severe anxiety (and I am definitely not speaking for all women) since it feels like there is something on me that I decided to put on and feel guilty to remove because then, it would be a waste of money. In the past, makeup for me was a huge-ass thorny problem. I loathed it, because I thought it was completely unnecessary, a waste of precious time and it feels like you got slammed with lemon cream pie on a comedy show that lasts all day. Slowly, as I started really growing into womanhood (which for me was around 21), I started liking facial cleansers and I’ve always had a special affinity to eyeliners… but I still hate foundation (its that flesh colored gunk that’s supposed to make you look flawless, sometimes bordering futuristic plastic). However, I should admit that my adventure and acceptance process for makeup is far from over.

A few months ago, my friends and I went to this beauty expo. It was a huge trade fair that was only for beauty products and salon needs. I entered, smelled too much perfume and was ready to go home. I just knew in my gut that I would make a complete yet amusing idiot out of myself there. I mean, c’mon, all I knew about perfume is that you should never marinate in it. A precious lesson I learned from going to clubs from women who enjoy marking their territory, I guess.

But since my friend made it her personal target to get all the beauty potential she can get from me and turn me into a woman who wholeheartedly likes pink, she dragged me back in and showed me around. I felt like I got swallowed by whale. I thought, this must have been how Jonah felt like. He saw only tonsils and gums… only tonsils and gums. Like him it was tonsil world for me, everything seems to look alike, when actually they are supposed to do different things to your skin, your look and your smell.

Makeup companies have dug very well into their products’ depth and stretched the range to a seeming maximum. I say ‘seeming maximum’ because I know they can come up with more stuff, my yoga teacher uses the same term when I try to cheat at stretching.  So I went from one booth to another – eye shadows, blush-ons, lipsticks, glosses, foundations, lotions of all kinds, home waxing systems, cellulite reducing creams, shampoos, and the list went on. Women were elbowing each other doing duped basketball fouls, eyes shining and totally excited. I tell you, frankly, had I been that excited, a little pee would come out.

The most memorable thing on that day though was when we went to this nail shop. My friend bought some nail polish and I was looking around totally oblivious with my hand on the glass table. The woman manning the booth (that’s a weird phrase) saw my hand and said ‘wow, you’re a manicure virgin’ and with one sleek, quick movement she slid nail polish on top of my little pinkie nail. I saw everything in slow motion; with my mouth open and my eyes wide I was imagining making her swallow the slimy concoction and strangling her simultaneously, while she said, “see, that’s nice”. Since I do not have acetone in my flat, I am until this very day, enduring an eighth of a shiny fingernail.

I once was asked to do a photo shoot, for the first session it was okay not to wear make up, but the photographer said, we should start experimenting. He scared me with the sentence – ‘We’ll have to bring the make-up artist in.’ Oh well, if it will mean a little bit of sacrifice to earn, (pucha mukhang mullah talaga) I guess its okay. Now that I might have the opportunity to do another stint, it might be worth learning at least. Like I said my voyage through accepting makeup not only as a minor necessity in a girl’s life but also a female-bonding instrument is far from over. I appreciated that trip with my friend because I did learn a lot, although when I try to apply eye shadow, I still look like I got into a street fight. Fortunately though I am slowly beginning to notice how other women start looking different when they use different colors and tricks. A friend of mine put it really nicely; there’s nothing wrong with putting a bit of makeup on, it’s a lot like brushing your hair, just to give it a smoother, neater look. One of my best buddies here said I can read tips from fashion and beauty magazines, so that’s another new thing I am going to try. The only time I read an issue of Vogue or Cosmopolitan was when I was waiting for my mom’s hair to get done at a salon. And maybe through reading, I will learn that blending eye shadows is important if you do not want to look like you have a three layer wedding cake on your eyelid.

HAIR. Sporting long hair never agreed with me because for sure it will turn into a semi-permanent ponytail. I get irritated when it’s windy and your hair flies around like you’re an anime sketch. Some women who have the patience to style long hair have my utmost admiration. Now that I have short hair that still looks feminine, I have never been happier. I cannot imagine shampooing hair that ends in my waist, for the rudimentary excuse that is laziness.

They say that some women grow their hair long because it can make you look sexier. It is quite true though that it makes you look womanly. My hairstylist said (I don’t really have a stylist, he just cuts my hair and that’s it) that long hair softens features and that is why some women choose it. You can flip it, tie it, let it flow or even hide half your face with it too. I know some people though who only have long hair because they most of the time forget that they need a haircut, like when I first came to live here and I did not know where to go. I wanted to have short hair but was scared shit that since I did not speak the language I might end up looking like a boy scout.

MENSTRUATE. During my first menstrual cycle, I kept telling my auntie that I got wounded, for half the day of my bleeding I was in denial that I now have to bear this godforsaken period every month of my life, all 52 weeks in a year, all the years of my life until I menopause. God, I am so excited about menopause. Menstruation as most men know is a bitch. My ex boyfriend used to say that if this was how nasty I can be during my period, maybe he would go abroad when I get pregnant – just to avoid the stormy ‘you do not love me anymore’ nine-month spectacle. It’s getting better now though, I guess with age you’re able to control the tantrums better since when you’re already working, you cannot start ranting about something totally silly in the middle of a sales presentation.

Honestly, sometimes I have a secret wish of being a man (and there goes the secret wish).  Not because I like girls but because excluding metro sexuals, men have the possibility to put on a shirt, a pair of pants and trainers and leave. But then again when you think about it, they are missing out on all the possible bonding activities like slumber parties, salon trips and well, okay shopping, and those are usually the times when women solve the deepest issues they have. These are the times when women learn to develop the art of communication. My best friend lent me a book in 1996 which had on its cover ‘Real Women Don’t Pump Gas’, if you read through it, you’ll find out that a woman’s power naturally roots from a strategy that combines charm, gentleness and a bit of lipstick. Surprisingly the strategy works over unsuspecting males — most of the time.

I like being a woman, its all the other details that some of us take to the extreme that makes me cringe sometimes. During the course of this year, I know there will be a lot of changes in my perspective and maybe a year from now I will not envy men anymore. Anyway, I never liked the way men check their crotches all the time like its going to scurry away

Don’t worry about not being on the right path because you are. You seem to be always in the right place at the right time and there is no need to feel regret or shame about things that have happened in the past. Turn negative experiences into lessons for a better future. Even though you may not be able to change a certain situation, you can at least change your reaction to the situation.

Horoscopes can be amazingly full of unsolicited wisdom and comfort even if it’s the last place you are ever going to look in when you’re feeling like crap. I felt horrible waking up today, for reasons I cannot disclose in such a public domain. Let us just say that people need a lot of closure for a lot of things. You will need in this life, a lot of understanding for the actions of each person who have managed to defile your idealism and make you see a sullied version of yourself because they cannot direct their own ids towards more understandable demeanor.

I, on the other hand, am slowly finding out that life is never a bitch, she will never be and she never was. She is more a mix of an overgrown perpetually estrus brat with an unparalleled wisdom. She likes to have her own way and she’s nosy and meddlesome, because it’s the only way she can get you to listen to her.

I am moving to a new flat, near a rollerblading lane, a park and a pool stadium (and spa). I hate gyms, I am just happy to be doing something to be more active, but lifting weights do not agree with me. Muscle toning makes me feel like clay. The new flat is nice and snug, although smaller than my former flat, there is a lovely courtyard and a balcony. Today my boyfriend and I went hunting for more boxes from Tesco. Getting out, I had 3 huge banana boxes and he had 4. We are so hyped up with this moving that we both couldn’t stop talking about it, we’re both control freaks when it comes to serious stuff. It’s a good thing we’re also both conscious about it so that there’s always one who relaxes the other anal retentive whose about to blow a vein.

To people my age 1993 is contemporary, it does not feel like it was ages ago. However, when you ask me how it was like when I was 13, I would probably not remember so much, because it does feel like a long time ago. Watching Shaggy sing “Oh, carolina" last night on a music channel that featured the early 90’s, we started laughing at the clothes and the whole feel of the video. But when we realized it was made in 1993, we looked at each other and simultaneously muttered, ‘man, we’re old’. Because we are. Because when you realize that in that video ‘Carolina’ was wearing a FULL pink body hugging outfit shaking her booty and that she actually said ‘no’ to Shaggy who kneeled down to ask her for a dance, you also realize that almost all hip hop and R&B videos these days are with one pumped up, completely ‘bling-bling(ed)’ guy surrounded by half naked girls with huge silicone jugs and cheekbone implants and a sports car on the background; the whole song composed mostly of the words niggas, bitches and the phrase ‘do you wanna get with this?’. Really, even hip hop candy looks different now. (The era of non-commercialized underground hip hop is close to over. Much like underground rave is.)

I guess I never thought my generation was a bit more timid than the one of today, and I am probably right because surely, my generation is a huge part of the ones fueling these changes anyway. These ideas for a new look and feel on just about everything are coming from us.