Conscious
Dance as if no one’s watching
, sing as if no one’s listening, and live everyday as if it were your last. - Irish proverb
Two nights ago I have learned to value my long-time personal tenet of preventing myself from falling into the trap of amplified self-consciousness. I was dancing with a friend visiting from New York on his last night (in Prague) at one of our favorite clubs here, and when we dance… we dance like we’ve been deprived of a dance ledge all our lives. After five songs, one guy came up to me and told me how he has never seen anyone who dances well and dances only for herself. He told me that girls usually dance a certain way to get checked out; they know they are being watched and they like it. Thus, their moves are quite easy to read, they are calculated and their eyes usually roam around the room to check out who is checking them out. He made it clear that he noticed I have a boyfriend (he points to him even) and that it’s not some pathetic pickup line. He just really wanted to tell me that my friend and I gave him hope that not all women who go to straight single clubs are desperate to be appreciated.
I personally believe that overplayed self-consciousness can be a form of narcissism. With people in clubs here, they love the attention because they either want to get laid or at least not get out of the club drunk and alone. By the way, some women do like leading other men on because they think they are Disney princesses.
There are a lot of people though who are natural performers, they like entertaining. It makes them feel good to see amusement in a friend’s eyes, they enjoy surprising people with comments that sting; sometimes on purpose, they say something offensive just to get a reaction from them. As for me, I have always thought that I can only accidentally entertain. I don’t really give a flying fuck if people laugh at a joke I made or at a truth I blurted out which no one supposedly should be talking about. I could be blunt. In a very real sense of the word. With all those words flying out of my mouth which can be metaphorically described in a confused variety of – feathers, daggers and bugs — I do make people laugh, cry, walk away or stick around (sometimes way too bloody much). Some people though, do it on purpose, they feel giddy about being the centre of attention. That is, they do not seek to entertain, they instead, yearn to be appreciated. If they can proclaim to the highest heavens that they are the life of the party, they will. They could be compensating for something — a better sibling, looking unforgivably dorky in high school or being neglected by a parent. Well I have to say it out loud too, some people feel good if their looks are reaffirmed by a cocktail drink, a rude comment about their behinds or even with an overused pickup line.
It is also my strong opinion that overplayed self-consciousness and being overly critical of other people is a sign of insecurity. When I was young my mother successfully removed my natural adolescent reticence by harshly pointing out that people are watching me much less than I think they do. She has a sharp tongue; I am guessing my gift of saying an awful truth with a straight face is something genetic.
During adolescence and into adulthood I have seen how people are naturally drawn to those who do not give a damn about things around them. People who are not afraid to say ‘I don’t know’ or ‘let’s just do it and see are attractive in a mysterious way. Like some sort of raw sexual magnetism, people who do not get easily upset and who do not get exceedingly agitated if they are left by the crowd – seem to be the most interesting – everyone secretly wants to be like them. C’mon, loads of women prefer the rebellious type. That look that combines spunk, attitude and arrogance makes a lot of women’s mouth water.
When I was growing up at home, I cannot help but notice how deviants are callously criticized and yet clandestinely admired.
I was thinking that maybe it is the same everywhere, and I know that in some level it is. I am drawn to believe though that the covert appreciation of deviance and/or nonchalance and its stifled but nevertheless heard denunciation, is stronger and more pronounced in my country, than in some other places. I think that culturally, we Filipinos have this aversion to being criticized. And so to make sure that we are not placed in that position where we solicit unwanted attention, we just try to hide or conform or shut up. This is because we are constantly conscious about the fact that some people (though this could be true for all cultures) like to feel good about themselves by criticizing other people. Let me give you some instances when I have seen this being carried on way too far:
- It has been really annoying for me to go to a dance club and convince everyone else I am with… to dance with me. They will dance with me though when the dance floor is already overflowing with people, then of course they can hide. For fuck’s sake, we seem to always forget why we go to a dance club, if I wanted to get pissed with beer, I’d go to a pub.
- We prefer to swim in what one of my friend calls – the national swimsuit of Filipino women – white t-shirt and basketball shorts. Ugh. The reason is that we know that if we go out there in proper swimming attire, someone will probably say — ‘swimsuit swimsuit pa, para namang lata ng Minola’… and if you’re not fat and look actually quite nice, they will say — swimsuit swimsuit pa ang itim itim naman ng kilikili’… or if you are flawless and they cannot find anything wrong with you, they’ll say ‘ang landi landi, naghahanap ng atensyon’. I am amazed at how we waste our time looking around and measuring ourselves up against each other instead of enjoying the unparalleled beauty of our beaches. That is why I was extremely happy to find my clique’s pictures with all of them in two piece swimsuits and not even making a big deal about it. But then, they are a different breed, that’s why they’re my witches. Some Filipinos on the other hand, though they are getting fewer, do not appreciate their girlfriends strutting around half naked. But then, what in God’s name do you guys care? If you would not let your girlfriends do what they want to do, leave them, they do not need anyone to make their decisions for them.
- I know a lot of Filipinas who looked absolutely plain in Manila but when they moved somewhere else, they started coming out – of baby tees, jeans and sneakers and into truly varied and inspired ways of dressing. I know a lot of people who have become fashion buffs, developed their own style and they actually look good at mixing outfits up. Something they have been probably scared shit to do in the Philippines because when they once tried to wear a grunge or a Goth-look or whatever style they wanted to try, one of their smartass peers has commented ‘San ang hula?’ or ‘Hanep mukha tayong kakain ng tao a’. Most of the people who make these comments are usually brimming with insecurity that they cannot help sharing it around. These people are usually ugly; sometimes they are the pretty ones who do not like competition. There I said it. If only we can stop repressing each other’s creative tendencies, there might be more interesting stuff appearing in various fields. Knowing how talented and intelligent we are in our chosen turfs, we will make a difference, and I am sure… not only at home.
- I was once fighting with a guy on a plane for taking up my hand luggage place under his seat. It was never my style to raise my voice at anyone if I can anyway strategically get my way through, this guy was different though. By the time I was waving the plane manual in front of his face to point out that ‘the place under the seat in front of you is where you can put your stuff in’, one of the Filipino passengers told me to just let it be and that I can take his place instead. I couldn’t believe it. For the love of the Blessed Virgin!! Why should you be ashamed of getting what is rightfully yours? Bakit nakakahiya? It’s not like I’m going to start getting nauseous, puking the whole way to Frankfurt if I do not get that place, but at least it will give the other person a thing or two to think about.
There’s a lot more but I think I should stop there; otherwise I will slowly eat my hair into an unwanted fringe. We have got to quit doing this to each other. We have so much potential, time and energy being wasted by giving too much attention to how other people look, live or do. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure that other nationalities have it too, maybe not as acute as ours or maybe even worse. The point is, I grew up where I grew up and now I can compare. Believe you me, we are in some funny shit.
Historically, this fear could be because we have been subdued so many times, we have been put down and made aware that our class level compared to our colonizers is shameful. But then like my mother says, you will accomplish more, live more, see more if you focus on things you have and you can do than looking around comparing it with other people, you will always end up afraid to be yourself because someone will always have and be more than you.
Having a certain level of self monitor is good, but if it causes you to be too confident, too critical of others or too shy — you have brought it to a destructive extreme. One day it can turn into paranoia and maybe… even schizophrenia — if you’re lucky enough. hehe.
