antecoitus

I thought it was my first winter depression, it felt like I had excessive amounts of estrogen because lately I have been thinking too much about who I am at this stage of my life. It was not winter depression though, I realized after a few days, it is one of those other imagined excuses to sulk… I admit officially to quarter-life crisis. I call it that because I still dream of being a centennial lola. Heh. My life is a third over in more realistic terms, that is, if I stop all my nasty habits like sleeping late and being in love with meat and if life span lengthening sisig does not get invented in the next fifteen years.  And because I can sometimes be such a tight-ass, I care about having something to show for it. It does not have to be money or career or an advanced degree, I just had to reevaluate if I am really honestly happy and that to reach this point I did not have to brown-nose, hurt someone in the process of getting what I want or cover up a mistake, I’ve always measured my achievements with that. It did take a long time to introspect about this because it is not my habit to draw conclusions from the day’s mood same as it is not my practice to mistake compatibility with sexual heat (okay, I don’t know why I said that). However, I think that I have sincerely created a personal solution to this all too worn out issue.

Lately I have been coming to work by public transport; I spend almost a whole hour from my flat in the city center to our office a little bit outside of Prague.It has been my habit to have a book or a magazine in hand when traveling (and not driving); its part my manic pursuit of running after the clock and not wasting any time, as my mother would put it. However, lately I realized how fun it is to get lost in thought, daydreaming, and actually, I have processed a lot of thought while the train makes its familiar twenty minute whirr.

Why the big deal?

I realized that at twenty five, people start measuring themselves because it is only five to seven years before they should be fully transformed into either a cool bohemian, a well paid commercial artist, a power executive, or someone with at least an advanced degree connected to your bachelor’s making you a clear specialist in your field, an unrelenting activist who is a hero to some young impressionable minds, a family man or a mother. At this stage you are somehow forced to choose a path, at least one. It’s unnecessary to be under pressure about something so undeniably stereotypical, but we still fall for it, like we fall for wonder bra, overpriced coffee and polyphonic tones. It’s just how we are built as a generation. We are more, should I say, egocentric. We care about how people perceive us, I know someone who says that he doesn’t give a damn about what other people think, but its really just loads of bull. This is mainly because majority of us do not have anything big to worry about (well clearly I am not talking about places where genocide, famine and government coups are part of the routine), no evil winters without heating, no real evil dictator to throw out, no uncontainable riots outside of our homes, no three days of darkness. We rant about how bad the government is, how the gap between the poor and the rich is growing, how some people don’t love their country enough, how capitalism and consumerism has made a Sodom and Gomorrah out of the cities we live in… but at the end of the day we settle for a venti sized frappe at the nearest Starbucks with a continuous hum of our newest mobile phone ring tone in the background and we think about ourselves, solving our little issues over packs of imported cigarettes. WE have to accept it and most of us actually are even indulging in that idea: this is the world as it is, globalization and all, and unless you want to be radical enough to say… run around naked in the plaza just to attract media attention and make a statemet… we have to deal with the conceit that is slowly and inevitably growing in us. Are we lucky to have such a vaguely difficult life? I think not. It is more difficult to fight against yourself than to fight against something else.

Moving forward

My point is that the first thing that we have to realize is that there is no way but to accept that: we have to deal. We have to face all the inadequacies of this life at this age, in all its Big Brother crap. Then we have to make being happy and being honest to ourselves the main goal. By this I mean, if money makes you happy, make that bank account overflow, as long as you don’t have to step on other people’s backs to go up. If career makes you happy, climb the ladder and focus. If you want to be a mother soon, get knocked up! However, as always, there is a catch, you have to be ready for the consequences of each decision. Never blame other failure nor excessive intertia on other people or ‘certain’ circumstances Think two steps forward, or better yet, learn from TV (hehe). As for me, at this stage I am choosing between being a total corporate sell-out, having a family (living somewhere outside of the city with a garden and a swing set to boot), or being a total free spirit. It’s not easy to want to be so many things… and thus I am working my way around… my issues.

But the first thing I hope to do (and I wish also some people would) is to stop measuring other people up. I have to stop being snotty about their choices thinking that I made the best one. I have to learn to fully and honestly respect other people’s decisions and to stop making self-righteous comments when I get bitter about the path I chose when I was confronted by the proverbial fork in the road. I have to learn that free-will is not some biblical jargon; it is as practical and as ergonomic as post-its. I have to stop being a smart-ass when I do not have all the answers. I have to apply what I have come to comprehend, this year especially, that you are the only one who can guarantee promises to yourself. I have to know completely that I am part of all the evil in the world as well as all the good, that when I bad mouth someone else, I am actually worse… for the mere fact that I have nothing better to do. I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT I ACTUALLY SUBCONSCIOUSLY HAVE BEEN TEMPTED TO DO THOSE EVIL LITTLE THINGS (yep, you reading, I’m sure you have, too, so for the love of God stop sticking your nose up saying ‘but i’m not like that..’). I have to learn to choose my battles and not want to overanalyze the war. I have to happily raise my lovely middle finger to some ugly bits of the past and say ‘screw all those people who hurt me, being vindictive is just not good enough to waste my effulgence on’. And then, I can genuinely turn my back to all those who intellectualize life that they actually forget to live it… anyway, what do they know?

My mid term solution

I sometimes feel that living a routine corporate struggle can make you… well, stale or bland… at one point even maybe nondescript. This is a very very very scary thought for me. It’s like being an RnB gangsta video without the bitches, the bling blings and the sports cars or claiming to be a model without a real portfolio aside from the few friendster pictures she has tried to post or like being isaw without the mushy stuff inside which you are not allowed to figure out what. In my thought process, I realized how activity and change makes me all flushed and giggly. I blush at the thought of full agendas and driving around crazed from work to a language lesson to writing and/or photography class or a dance session. Ever since I decided to own my time, I grasped how overeager I have become with the thought that there is always some passion that awaits to be discovered. A very special and personal passion that could be the honest witness of my ubiquitous mood oscillations especially during those times when your ThisClose to running around in the office with a gun in your hand and K-Mart purchased ammunition — and for me those times can come on consecutive working days. I think we all need that, something else to look forward to and pour your energy into. There has to be something that would make you quit wasting your time solving issues in your head which cannot be solved anyway, given the circumstances. Spreading myself (maybe not radically thinly), makes me happy. I will do that again soon to cope. It will also not be bad if from all these I can give something back to a little piece of the world, and nicely await my puritan ‘friends’ to judge.

To all those who are nearly my age now, good luck, and please give other people a break because we have to make it easier for each other. J