antecoitus

It’s not New Year yet but I think I owe myself a rough look-back of how inconceivably humbling and gratifying last year was. 2005 was my year, I have two months left but I think they’ll hardly surprise me. At this point when introspection is as inevitable as my habit of only remembering to lock the car after ten paces, it’s a hhuuge realization that I have become what I have tried to avoid claiming for the past 5 years. I am an adult, in a lot of ways. I have grown up, who would have thunk?

This year was literally the year of the overhaul of plans for the future and of the circumstances of the present. It is the year of the truly cunning yet unpremeditated redirecting and emphasis on what I have always tried to stand for. Sounds more like a comic book blurb (if they have such), though believe me there is nothing fiction about this.

The challenge of really living on my own away from all comfort zones, the brawl finely connected to getting resented for being too young for some position, the excitement and inevitable little mindless fears of adapting to a life foreign to you, business trips with unrecognizable points of beginning and end, getting bitched at for being stupid (and young and female !#(@^%), finally getting respect which I honestly anyway cannot handle most of the times, saying hello (with a big smile) to renewed friendships, breaking a bone for the first time, wonderful mind blowing vacations, meeting strangers, dreaming vividly, losing someone through circumstances which were unimaginable to me previously (read: I thought differently of him and me and us), forgiving, committing myself again to someone who’s now everyday proving why this is really my place :), deciding to stay where I am (and probably indefinitely moving my life away from home, I’ve come to accept that flightiness, is well… not such a big deal;)), and being pushed so many times to stand for something – to choose and to choose well — all of this in a year I thought was going to be one of the more predictable ones.

More than anything though, it is what it has slowly made me that makes me feel so much more prepared for more. The cliché is right; when you’re younger you do feel omniscient. You may end up fucking yourself several times over for your beliefs, but you get up, you look around if anyone’s watching and then you proudly pick yourself up like nothing happened. Think about it, really, most of these principles are the purest ones when you’ve made them all during those times of pure idealism and simple mindedness. Sometimes gray areas spoil us. They give us excuses to forget. When you’re getting older you realize that your ability to ruin things get more intense. Afterwards, you form your own justification for your malfunctions and call it a tenet, or maybe you will blame it on fate and think its all because it was meant to be so you just have to indulge. Soon enough you’re using the phrase “it’s a matter of principle” more often than you actually form them.

I am extremely pleased though that I managed to fight even for the littlest and maybe even stupidest principles I invented in my youth. I never thought I’d say this so bluntly, but this year made me recognize that — I do like myself.

2005 shook all the little facets of my mediocrity: my perspective, my relationships, my struggles, my little beliefs which I battled to hold on to even if it meant getting nth degree burns out of each fight. It was (and still is) the year which has both tacitly and overtly given me the most beautiful scars.

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 29th, 2005 at 10:33 am and is filed under the buzz (current tsismis). You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.